I’m writing to you in regards to you’re day. What do you want to do with it? You have a number of options and i suggest you write them down. First you could go and buy a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes. Sit in a park somewhere and consume it and then make your way to the art gallery and be moved by art. This is a good option because it is cheap and time consuming. Second you could find a nice cafe and have lunch there. Buy a big lunch and relax. This option is not great because you will have no money for anything else and it is not as time consuming as the first option. Also sitting along in a cafe while it can be enjoyable to watch others go by but then sense of loneliness will set in and you will still have time to kill. Drinking bring the joys of me being my own best friend. However I am a little sick at the moment. It wouldn’t be very good for my recovery if i did decide to drink. I could sit in a pub somewhere and read the latest edition of brag magazine. This option can get very boring fast. I would rather consume some wine in a park possibly the domain and go to the art gallery. I don’t have very much money to burn I'm on a tight budget. So it’s setteled then thats what i will do with my day. Or! i could go to the movies. That was fun last week. I want to lose myself. I could buy a very cheap bottle of wine and go to the movies. Yes! Yes! This is a good option however i’m not sure if there is any good movies on at the moment. Anything i want to see. I mean i don’t want to be stuck watching a boring film film for two hours. I know, i call the cinema and see what’s on. However if i do decide to do this i won’t have any money for cigarettes. mmmmm???? OK i have $24 to spend. Nine dollars for cigarettes, six dollars for wine, five dollars for food, ten dollars for movie. Thats equals thirty dollars. I can’t afford that but that would be i deal. lets see if i can try and break it down. Well i can cut out the food and spend a dollar less on the bottle of wine. However five dollar bottle’s of wine are coming increasingly harder to find. I’ll see how i go. Furthermore a little bottle shop is hard to find in the city. I might have to travel to Broadway or Surry Hills. Aly walk with me by the raveonettes has become my new favorite song. It would be good to listen to it whist high on LSD. Or maybe drinking Champagne and smoking a joint with Ryan and lying on my bed with candles lit and wearing my slip and he is naked. We are not talking just lying there with one another. Then we walk down alley ways in the rain wearing black trench coats. Laughing and kissing and smoking cigarettes with a bottle of champagne in our hands. We are under the influence but happy and jubilant. We are kicking up the puddles at one another and there is a spring in our step. We stop to kiss and he presses be up against a wall that it covered in ivy. It’s starting to sprinkle and he says he loves me. That is what i day dream about a lot. I think of Ryan everyday. I wonder how often he thinks of me. That is another thought i have. I wonder wonder, wonder wonder!! I wish i could ask him. I wish i knew. i know he goes through a million girls but i just hope that i am special. I think I'm special. I think Ryan is special. I love him. Does he love me? Did he ever love me? Have i pushed my luck with him. Why can’t i stop thinking of him? Why don’t i think of Nicolas nearly as much. Am i i not pretty enough for him? am i not as ambitious as he would like? Do i say the wrong things? Where did he think it would go? Why does any of this matter?? I don’t like been infatuated with a boy! I fact i hate it. I wish i was only infatuated by myself. I wish someone was infatuated by me. Not the other way around. All for love but none for all. Winter is setting in and i feel a little depressed already. All i want is some sweet sweet candy. I never wanted anything bad. Why is it so hard to find? I also daydream about how i want to meet someone who is exactly like me. Some who is as cute as me. Someone who likes to drink asa much as a me. Someone who i can just be myself around. Someone who understand me. Someone who understands me because they feel it too. I want it to be a girl. I want us to have sex with each other. I want us to go on adventures together. I want us to give each other constructive criticism on each others art form. I believe that there s someone out there who feels the same in every aspect. Not only someone who is searching for a friend but someone who has the same ideals as me. I want to meet a girl who wants the same candy as i do. I believe it is possible. I seek it and i’ll be on the prowl until i get what i want. Furthermore at the same time try and improve myself and my life. My situation at the moment isn’t the best one. I don’t imagine it will be too long. I must start writing in a dream journal. Iwill create one tonight. There is a cute boy sitting across from me. I think he is with his girlfriend but i don’t think he is too into her. He looks like he would be under my spell as soon as i spoke. Like Nicolas was when we first met.
Sincerely yours,
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