I'm really sorry that I feel like this...

On the notion of time.

There is no such thing as bad timing. If things are meant to happen for us, they will.

in the morning

She appears composed, so she is I suppose, who can really tell? She shows no emotion at all, stares into space like a dead china doll.

This is Canberra

The other week I went to Canberra for a few days. While there I went to a few galleries and parliament house. I managed to sit in on the last sitting of parliament for the year and saw Julia in the flesh. All I can say is; she is very well spoken and she was kind of hot in her Ivory coloured coat. If given the chance I would definitely sit down and have a cup of tea with her. I think I would like to chat with her about what it’s like to be top dog in very much a man’s world and how she is able to restrain herself from giving too much lip to Tony Abbot day after day. Did I mention I find Canberra to be an odd place? Well, I do. Sadly, not in the odd sense that I might like to return, but odd in the sense that everyone seemingly leads the same / very similar lives and it is not something that I would want to be apart of. I wonder if that’s why there are so many bottle shops?*

* I drank everyday that I was there. 

...

Because I'm lazy and largely uninspired this is a short post.
Love found. Super adventures in check. Mental state; satisfactory.

jury duty

Ah, shucks! I’m entering into day 14 of jury duty and I’m not looking forward to it at all. Tears were shed this afternoon, I know this because I saw them in a fellow jurors bag. I wonder if she knows I managed to catch a glimpse? I don’t know? I don’t think so? However, I had a brief thought that perhaps she wanted me to take a peck? Eh, despite that, I think everyone is going a little stir crazy. I think the shit food and air con is getting to us all. Tomorrow I’m going to try and out do myself in the instant coffee stakes. Currently my personal best stands at, err..., I think it’s seven? While others have suggested to me that this experience is something that I shall remember for at least a long while, I’m more inclined to think if I am to come away from this with anything, it is that my samurai sudoku skills are through the roof! 

Again.

I saw her again today; and I know she hears and sees things others don't. 

super adventure club poster boy

baby is feeling bad today... 

There's a lot of things in life worth living for, isn't there?

park-side

over the weekend when laying in the park i saw a three-o; it was really fucking hot! watching them just entwined with one another i started to have sexy thoughts... how can i make this happen? 

This mess I'm in.

Okay, let’s get this whole business of writing on the road shall we? Now if I were to go on, typically I would start off with the question; Anything new of late? However, in this case I wanted to go with something new/else. I mean, I am not a very accomplished writer by any means, although, I do enjoy it... Oh man, I’ve got nothing. I have had a slight case of vertigo today as a result of not taking my meds for three days and my head is not exactly how it should be. Plus, I have had a rather strange sleeping pattern of late and that has not helped either. Perhaps when I am back on track I’ll be able to come back to this and write something remotely readable. I feel now that anything I were to write wouldn’t even be worth reading, including this, somewhat mundane entry. Please excuse this mess.  

Case Study

Didn't take my pills for three days and I'm left with a mild case of vertigo. It is defiantly one of the more annoying side-effects. However, headaches take the cake for the most painful... I need cuddles. 

Obvious

What else can you write about, apart from stating the obvious? 

  I guess my dreams have had a large baring on my mind of late. Which conjures up foreign feelings, that tend to linger, I find it a queer happening. 

Well, that is a start, I guess; do you care to elaborate on that? I mean, could you describe such feelings in detail? 

  Oh no, the thoughts and feelings I have are my own. 

trekking forward

While in the past I have started entries with thoughts about how mundane they might be, I guess this is no different. Anything worthy of note of late? Still out of love which is boring. I’m still having vivid dreams which is fun. However, nightmares are not. I screwed the crew and in turn fell on my own sword. Friendship still fragile, although at this stage I care less. Still emotionally-immature/fucked-up however, I think it is improving, but I would be in the right mind to avoid acid because it gives me a clarity I’m not ready for. I’ve stopped drinking at home without any conscious effort; none needed. Stumbled across some brilliant music recently which is always great. Haven’t dabbled at all recently to my demise. 

That shall change starting now. I’m starting to understand the complexities of XR, which I am sorry that it has taken so long. However, I feel at times, this may lead me to being a bit apathetic. And to end, trekking through Iran on horse back for ten days then onto Turkey is starting to look like an actual possibility. Did I just meet my traveling partner? For wheels? 

stories were made and shared

(?)

should I be happy that I finally discovered that I'm basically an unhappy person?

Shissher...

new york new york - Courtesy of Geppel

Heavy Water / I'd Rather Be Sleeping

this is how we walk on the moon

Vell Vell

Welcome to the shit-kickers lunch 

Welcome to the shit-kickers lunch where we don’t actually eat but just tend to sit around and look gloomy. Welcome to a place where we are all down to our last cigarette and where we haven’t eaten pizza for months. Come pull up a chair and we’ll compare stories about how we didn’t get the girl and how our dicks are about to explode... FUCK! 

Defunct

I think an element to me going over there was that I always felt like I was admired for my beauty and my seemingly cynic take on the world. My world. Dance Leah. I danced. Drink Leah. I drank. It is always fun to drink with someone who appreciates the wonders of alcohol as much as yourself. I talked a lot. Openly and honestly. However, never too honestly.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t talk so much there. Not wanting to calm down. I’m not sure I ever felt calm there. Why would I want that? Why not? One would ask. I would often find myself in front of the camera. Never behind. Not even to view. Never to view. Discussing the likes of life inside this bubble. Commenting on others. Not so much a judge could out judge me. One would cry. I would be unhappy. Regularly. Often block my ears. It’s easy. Easier rather. Perhaps you should leave. That feeling of being so alone. So damn alone in those initial footsteps out the door. Happiest moment for both of us. Why would I ever return? I returned. Only to find it a cycle of utter ignorance. No one ever said no more. If I were to ask how long must one feel bad to feel better, there was often no reply. Nothing even came close to sharing the way we shared whole hearted distaste. Sometimes for each other. Often for each other. Lacking the inability to cry was not apparent. Ever. A sick relationship built on resentment. Regularly for nothing or no one but ourselves and each other. In that sense it worked well. We didn’t like the word well. Thriving on being unwell. Somewhat dysfunctional. Not functioning. Defunct. 

Evidently

 not trying hard enough to

 fill this

fucking void. 

A decent setup

Snake on a windy road

In the face of evidence

In the face of evidence

This is how it goes... Do I stay or do I go?

From north:

From the pacific highway, head south until you reach the murwillumbah turn-off. Head through murwillumbah and keep heading south towards nimbin/uki. Drive through uki, through Mt burrel, and past the turn off to nimbin (stay on Kyogle rd, heading towards kyogle). Keep driving straight until you see a sign saying 'Border Ranges Centre'. The party is located just past there. Enoy!

Manets - A bar at the Folies Bergere

My mother bought the following picture from a gallery in Paris as a poster when she was about my age. As a child I would often stare at it for considerable periods of time. I would come up with stories in my head about what the barmaid was really thinking. I would wonder what exactly was going on in the nightclub that night and who’s feet they belonged to dangling in the top left. From Double Bay to Doon Doon it has hung in our living room for as long as I can remember. 

The other day my mum got rid of it without even a word of warning. I don’t know why. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew who she was with when she bought the picture. I wonder who she spent the night with in Paris. Perhaps that would be a clue as to the sudden riddance of this picture that I actually quite liked. 

Word

Watching The Seagulls and Deep Sea

 Arcade play live is much like listening 

to Mogwai, stoned, alone. Brilliant.

Richard Hell - Bollocks

While living in Slurry

I walked into Rupert’s house and he said ‘Leah, recite something that you have written”. 

Then, I gave some line about medications and generations. He said, ‘Ha! That’s really bad!’ 

It’s not that I thought it was great, it was that he acted so quickly to dismiss. I ended up feeling somewhat, taken back, by his comment. 

(By, no means, does the following comment relate to the note above, it’s rather a footnote)

Turns out, he was a recovering alcoholic and the fact that I was ten years younger and essentially, at the prime of my drinking age, drinking heavily, (totally fucked up due to my emotional immaturity) played a part in our downfall. However, if it’s worthy of note at all, we both very much liked, do like, Ian Brown. We would often play ‘The Stone Roses’ whilst drinking tea. 

Worthy of Note.

As I lied there, without even so much as a blanket, on the floor... 

I thought...

Then... 

It felt as if my heart could / would explode. 

Just hanging around this crocked old town.

Murwillumbah; this old town. 

What to do?

(With no phone and only $1)

- Call Ellie? To come pick me up.

-Call mum? For money.

-Chill out at Marni and Holly's until Holly wakes up, then hang out. 

Essentially I need money to do anything, which is something that I'm lacking at the moment. 

Also, eventually at some point, I'll need to book tickets home. 

Post Script. 

This is something that I wrote when sitting in Marni and Holly's living room over summer. 

I ended up venturing into town and just by chance I saw Ellie. We went swimming in the river for the day. Hazza! Still up $1... 

On Dreaming of Houses

The following is a bit messy but I was just wanting to get my thoughts out. Plus, as clear as dreams may sometime be, it’s always a little hard to try and explain what you dreamt.  

Last week I had dreams about houses three nights in a row. On the third night I had a recurring dream about a large terrace house. In the latest of the recurring dreams it started at a later point. The next morning, where I find myself walking down a set of stairs in a daze and not exactly knowing where I am. Then I come to remember that I stumbled into the house last night really drunk. The house is big and bright and has a sort of maze like feel to. That is, it’s not a conventional structure. Then I woke up and I lied there with a great sense that I had actually done that. Not right then but perhaps last year. (I haven’t) however, when I was lying there half awake half asleep I thought I did and I was a little shaking-up by it. Then I said to myself that I’ll put more thought into it in the morning. It was quite a vivd dream and one that I have had before. Also the dream was slightly different to the one I had a few months ago. The first time I dreamt this dream it was longer. It started with me in the house walking up the stairs then it fades out then I remember the next morning walking down the stairs and in a hall way I see a lady who owns the house. However, she is not particularly shocked but asks why I’m there and I think I may have walked out into the garden. Maybe I felt that I was dreaming about something that I had done before because I have dreamt that dream before... Probably. 

In another dream about a house that I had last week, I found myself in a room with two others, (not people I know in my waking life). Then one of the two parent’s walk in. Then at that moment I feel I should leave. It’s quite a big house, in fact, it’s huge. For some reason or another I feel sort of ashamed. Then I push on a wall and it opens to a staircase. I walk down to the lower level and it’s where I see the parents again. I ask how many staircases this house has and the mother reply’s “four”. Then she pushes on a wall which opens to a little room that’s very dusty inside and there is also a spiral staircase in there leading to an upper level of the house. The mother seems happy. Then I leave and make my way down the street. I find myself in the inner city but not the inner city I am familiar with. I turn a corner and I walk past a grand and modern hotel foyer. I stand outside and it gets a bit fuzzy here because I’m not sure whether or not I’m walking with someone, or whether or not I go into the foyer. Then it ends... 

In the other dream, which occurred on the first night, I’m driving in the Blue Mountains  with someone (I can’t remember who, I don’t think it’s relevant at all) it’s an overcast and dull, sort of dark day. I look out and up on a hill I can see a very big, Georgian like Mansion. Then the dream cuts to me walking through the grand hall of the mansion and that’s all there is to it. I can’t really remember much about that particular dream. Except that it was in the country and the sky was quite dark with thick clouds overhead. 

On Reading Spinoza - Practical Philosophy

 “Let me ask you what brought you to Spinoza? Is it that he was a Jew?”

  “No, your honour. I didn’t know who or what he was when I first came across the book - they don’t exactly love him in the synagogue, if you’ve read the story of his life. I found it in a junkyard in a nearby town, paid a kopek and left cursing myself for wasting money hard to come by. Later I read through a few pages and kept on going as though there were a whirlwind at my back. As I say, I didn’t understand every word but when you’re dealing with such ideas you feel as though you were taking a witch’s ride. After that I wasn’t the same man . . .”

  “Would you mind explaining what you think Spinoza’s work means? In other words if it’s a philosophy what does it state?”

  “That’s not easy to say . . . The book means different things according to the subject of the chapters, though it’s all united underneath. But what I think it means is that he was out to make a free man of himself - as much as one can according to his philosophy, if you understand my meaning - by thinking things through and connecting everything up, if you’ll go along with that, your honour.” 

  “That isn’t a bad approach, through the man rather than the work. But . . .”

                              Malamud, The Fixer

Over the weekend, I got my numbers read.

This summer I went to a Tepee party

- GO IN HERE -

Leah

Life.

It just walks on by. 

Tap, tap, tap, starts the foot. 

Smear your lipstick, it feels good. 

Well debauched.

To know that you are there.

It’s all wrong.

Your eyes.

Feed me and you. 

Too much.

My life just walks on by.

TANG!

SPEW!vtttttfrcv

It’s amazing. 

I rode the bus today. 

TANG!

It’s there. 

Splintered wood. 

Splintered.

Well splintered. 

Am I?

Like the gum leaves lied out across a green space and a rainy day.

Like the mud I do take note of. 

I continue to walk on by. 

I shall continue to walk on by. 

Time

When returning from a trip one may think the ability to write something remotely interesting will come over me and it shall be brilliant. This is sadly not the case for me. Thoughts are what keep me awake at night. Lying in bed at five am and thinking of great things I would like to express and saying to myself, ‘that is great I will defiantly get that down in the morning’ (but never do due to me not remembering) fills me with wonder. Like, my five am brain is my real brain. Stimulants add to my inability to sleep too, as well as depressants for that matter. However, depressants do make me think clearer, I think? So, I shall continue, for at least the little while. 

Something else that has become clear to me is my inability to keep anything in my possession for longer than six months....erm... make that nine. Yet again I have lost my mobile phone. Which, has led me to ride the no phone wave for that past month. It’s my way of saying, up yours optus, nokia, consumerism, the world. No, not really. More, just a social experiment. However, it is proving to be more trying as the days roll on by and my curiosity is getting the better of me. My friend said to me the other day that I would receive all the text messages sent to me over the past month, provided I keep the same number. Which is always the case, oh yeah, that’s something I haven’t lost despite been through about eight phones in the past two years. 

Oh Sydney how I love you. Oh Sydney how I hate you. Maybe it is time for me to say goodbye. Perhaps not forever, I doubt it will be forever. Or, maybe I should play my hand at ditching all that I know here and go with something else? What for example? I don’t know. I do not even know where to start. Well, spend much time alone until something comes to mind. It is quite easy for me to fall back into the game of being surround by people who make me fell social but do not necessarily make me happy. I did shun the bright lights of the city for a while last year. Where did it get me? Well, I wasn’t subjected to people who don’t understand me nor do they wish to even try. I get it Leah, you’re a cynic.

I often think if I were to meet someone who is exactly, EXACTLY the same as me I would be largely disappointed. I think, in ways the Taxi Club is similar to me. I mean, it’s odd, it drinks like a fish and is up all night.  Maybe not, probably not. Perhaps I am more like Dahli’s Cafe. People rarely visit but when they do, they enjoy it but often forget, or care too much to come back. 

When visiting the Hare Krishna farm up north I thought if all else fails I could just come to live out my days here. Which would require me to convert however, if I had explored every other avenue perhaps it would be a small price to pay? Or, perhaps I would come to realise it was the right path for me to take all along. I trust that as I grow older things shall become clear, but for now everything is a blur. 

Don't pay attention to me, or this, or anything I ever express.