one

My mother is starting to know too much about me. I don’t like it. I didn’t even like nicolas to know too much about me. i don’t want anyone to know too much about my time table. About how i conduct myself. I'm not talking about the conduct in which you portray yourself in the social sense. The time when you are alone. When no one is looking. Now i am never alone. NEVER! It’s killing me. I don’t have room to express myself anymore. I remember writing to myself when i was in my room in surry hills and saying not matter what happens i will always have my room set up exactly how i want it and i will always have my room. I don’t have my bed i don’t have my bed.  I don’t have my table. However i still have all my belongings it’s just a matter of finding somewhere where i can put my things on display. Somewhere where i can fully express myself. How long must it take? I’m so tired already. I have exhausted all my tolerance for my family. I’m lying to every single person. Every person i meet, know and have known for some time. Everyone except Debrah. I have secrets. Things that only i know. I'm am managing to keep them. Keep them hidden. For how long? Forever? Will i ever meet someone who i feel i can truly tell everything. The absolute. Thats it, i have exposed myself to the full. Too much i wonder? If i ever did decide to tell someone everything expose all i wonder what the circumstances would be? I what context would i put myself on a pedestal. This is the first entry into my new computer and I'm writing it on the train. I on my way back to suburban hell as Benji would say. I had two beers at the claire this afternoon and i called Nicolas. He was brought to my attention because there was a guy at the Claire who looked very similar to him. I thought to myself he was very cute and i daydreamed about dating him. I was thinking if i did date him people would say he looks a lot like Nicolas. i Imagined Sam i don’t know why, but i thought of him saying it. Or even just thinking it first. I’m a bit tired Beer kinda makes me want to sleep, especially if I'm alone. I smoked a joint on the weekend for the first time in a long while. It  was nice. It’ six twenty five and going to shut my eyes on the train now. I feel sleepy and i don’t feel entirely comfortable writing on the train. I feel kinda silly and someone might me looking over my shoulder. Rest now Leah., rest. Oh but a good song just came on i will listen to it then i will shut my eyes.